Leaded Zeds: The Battle Against the Undead
by Brad Heisler
Summary: Ash is sucked through a portal created by the Necronomicon & finds himself in Mexico, crossing paths with as many zombie movie characters as I can think up. Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up: If you read it, review it. Thanks.
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

_My name is Ash and I am a slave. Again. This sort of thing happens every time I fall out of an interdimensional portal. I guess talking things out is too civilized for some people. Let's just chain 'em instead. Well, let me tell you, this shtick gets old quick._

_For those of you just joining my tale, things weren't always like this. I had a real life once, a job at the local S-Mart, a beautiful girlfriend named Linda and a classic car. I was happy._

_Then we decided to take a vacation up to an old, abandoned cabin in the woods. Big mistake. Through the Necronomicon Ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead, an unspeakable evil was unleashed. It went after Linda, and then it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad so I lopped it off at the wrist. The entire night, boomstick in hand, chainsaw on stump, I fought off the evil dead._

_In the Necronomicon, there was a passage that could dispel the evil. It opened up a vortex in time and space. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop it after the job was done and it sucked me through the portal to 14th century Europe._

_That's when I was first forced into slavery. Eventually though, those screw heads saw the light and let me go, only to force me to get them the damned Book. Through a, uhh... mistranslation, an army of deadites awoke. Great, shit on me more, why dontcha fate?_

_Overall though, things didn't work out too bad. I got myself a shiny new hand and kicked some major demon ass. After the war, I said some magic words, Klaatu Barada uh... Nectarine or something like that, and went back to my own time._

_Groovy. I had actually gotten my life on track again. I was back working housewares. It was hard dealing with Linda's death, still is, but I try not to think about it._

_Well, after a while, the deadites started coming back. First it was just one of them, then two. It wasn't long before I was fending off waves of the bastards The numbers grew and grew until even I couldn't take 'em on. The last thing I remember was being surrounded completely. Then I was falling out of the sky into another sandy desert. As if that wasn't bad enough, I get up and some bitch is shoving a gun in my face._

_That brings us to now._

* * *

Ash pushed himself off the ground. He was sore and instantly reminded of the last time he'd been sucked through a time space portal. He spit sand out of his mouth and lifted his head up to look around, hopefully not at Medieval Europe again.

The first thing Ash saw was four gun barrels staring him in the face. He batted the gatling gun aside.

"Wooah"

Holding the gun up was the stump of a leg. The woman that the leg belonged to had jet black hair, ruby red lips and a blank uncaring look on her face. She was dressed in a white rob lined with gold and sat upon a brown stallion. Hanging in front of her chest in a hammock was a child.

"Listen lady, I don't know about you but where I come from, we don't run around shoving guns in people's faces."

She simply stared at Ash. Behind her stood three men. The man on the left was carrying a lawnmower that was splattered red and pink with what Ash took to be blood and guts. The second man had his hands shackled and was drenched in as much blood as the lawnmower. The only thing not gore covered on him was a silver and gold star and moon hanging from his neck. The last man was holding the chains keeping the prisoner in bondage.

After several minutes of Ash looking over the four characters in front of him, and all of them staring down at him, the woman lowered her gun leg. Ash stood up and muttered, "Yeah, apology accepted lady."

Unfazed by what Ash had just said, she ordered her men, "Tie him up."

The man with the lawnmower set it down on the ground and started towards Ash carrying a pair of shackles.

"Hey Billy Bob, back off pal."

Before the lackey now labeled 'Billy Bob' could cuff Ash, a group of what looked like people burst out into the clearing from behind the surrounding rocks and flora, babbling jibberish. Their skin was a bulging rainbow of colors, greens, reds, blues and blacks. They foamed at the mouth and every other part of them oozed pus.

"Deadites"

With blazing speed, Ash threw his metal fist into his duffle bag and fit his chainsaw to his stump. He drew his boomstick and turned towards the closest zombie. **BAM! BAM!** The top half of it's head blew clean off, splattering blood everywhere.

Before the body even hit the ground, Ash had two new shells in his gun and was snapping it back in place. He found his next target and ripped a hole through it's stomach with a pull of the trigger.

"That's a little hard to digest, isn't it?"

Before he had a chance to reload, a zombie jumped up at Ash from behind. He whirled around, putting up his chainsaw in defense. The zombie landed on it, driving it through his chest. With a pull of the chord, the chainsaw started up and shredded the zombie's insides, blood and tissue and organs flying every which way.

"Ouuuuuch. Talk about heartburn."

At this wisecrack, Ash heard a clanky whirring noise behind him. He turned to see the gun barrels of the robed woman's legs starting to spin faster and faster.

Ash dove for the ground. Above him bullets tore past for what seemed like hours on end. The creature's ranted in nonsensical languages and hissed and screamed. Bullets blasted into them and they crashed to the ground, dead again.

After an eternity the gunfire stopped. Ash got up, slowly, looking around. All of the deadites were dead. He replaced the chainsaw with his hand and walked over to the four strangers, pointing a metal finger at the woman.

"Look, I don't know who you are but I don't exactly think-"

The woman cut Ash off, "Names Cherry, Cherry Wray," and kicked him in the head with her gun leg. Ash dropped to the ground unconscious.


	2. Chapter 1: Prisoners

**CHAPTER 1**

_I'm not Marion anymore. No, I've left Marion behind along with everything that happened in Australia._

_I've been through twice what everybody else here has. I've been abducted by aliens and fought off their zombie fish. I survived near to the end of an alien invasion and a zombie outbreak. Then I died._

_Somehow I was reborn. I came back, but everything was back to normal, for a while anyway. Then everything started back up again with another zombie outbreak and for the second time, I was killed._

_But I got a new lease on life yet again. Unfortunately, I found myself trapped in a cage filled with the undead. Not exactly something you'd want to wake up to._

_Regardless, I fought them all off and left Australia and my old name far behind and moved out to Mexico. As far as I can tell, the aliens that turned all those people into the living dead never returned._

_That's not to say the zombie problem was gone. Something else came along, I've been told this was man made, and it has the same effect as the alien attack. Only this problem isn't confined by alien walls. It spread through the U.S. and into Canada and Mexico._

_From there it probably spread through Mexico into South America and over seas to Europe and Asia through planes and boats. As far as we know, the entire world is infected._

_I held up in the old ruins of Tulum, Mexico against the Pacific Ocean._

_Weeks after the initial outbreak hit Mexico, a band of survivors flew into Tulum. Well, crashed is more like it. But since then, we've fixed up the place from ruins to an impenetrable fortress. I've been put in control of the prisoners we found just last week._

_One of them goes by the name of Lionel Cosgrove, say's he's from New Zealand. Cherry found him in the middle of the desert, huddled around that lawnmower of his in a pool of blood and limbs. He doesn't know how we got there, just keeps putting all of the blame on the star and the moon and the 'dark forces'._

_Our other prisoner is a loudmouth. Calls himself Ash, says he's a king. Apparently he's dangerous because Cherry apprehended him with such force. These two have been locked up for two or three days now, under my watch._

_And that is my tale up to today. Not Marion's tale, I'm not Marion anymore. I am Torgo and I look after this place._

_

* * *

_

Torgo made his way down the old steps of the Tulum ruins to where the prisoners where being kept. It was a room with three walls of stone and a fourth of barbed wire. The ceiling had obviously crumbled away many years ago. Torgo was limping across the stone floor, he'd pulled a muscle the other day clearing some stone in the prisoner chamber.

He reached the prisoners' room and was greeted by the voice of Ashley J. Williams.

"Listen gimpy, you don't know who I am do you? I am the chosen one. The one written about in that fancy smancy Necronomicon book, the king. So just let me out of here, take down your barbed wire wall and let me go, and I'll cut you some slack."

As unfazed as Cherry was when she first encountered Ash, Torgo simply limped off the way he came. Lionel turned himself towards Ash and said, "That's not exactly the right way to get out of here is it? Keep acting violent and cocky and when you do get out of here, if you do, you just might be dead."

Ash retorted, "Yeah pal, you're definitely one to preach about violence. Now remind me Slingblade, who's the one who was found in a pile of arms and legs with a bloody lawnmower?"

Lionel didn't respond to this. Instead, he grabbed hold of the star and moon hung around his neck and turned his back to Ash.

And for a week or so things went very similar to that. Torgo would come, sometimes to check on the prisoners, other times to bring them food. Pieces of bread, small cups of water. Sometimes a piece or two of fish. And everytime he came Ash had less and less to say to him, although he never completely gave up. Lionel would kindly tell Torgo thanks and that he appreciated whatever he was given.

On the sixteenth day of being imprisoned, they heard gunshots. They thought they heard a couple every now and again but they sounded far off. This time, they sounded close. For a half an hour following the first shot, the air was filled with nothing but gunfire. At times, screams were heard but they were drowned out by the guns anyway.

The shooting slowed down as time progressed until it stopped completely. The rest of that day and the next, no one visited Ash or Lionel. Both were thinking desperately of a way to escape their tomb. The walls were too high for them to get up even if they stood on each other's shoulders. The floor was made of stone and couldn't be dug through and neither wanted to have a chance with the barbed wire.

Towards the end of their third day of solitude, when Ash and Lionel had both given up for the day on their escape plan, they heard uneven footsteps on the stone outside. They both looked up to see Torgo standing outside the prison. He had in his right hand an insane mechanism comprised of three shotguns rigged together to fire all with the pull of a single trigger. In his left hand he held Ash's dufflebag and Lionel's lawnmower was slung over his shoulder.

"Their going to break through our barrier relatively quickly. Its only a matter of days. As we speak, Cherry and the couple others left are getting everything ready for when we leave. We're moving down south, hopefully we can find better shelter or transportation, anything. You two are coming with us but the first bit of trouble you give us, you're dead."

Torgo ripped down the barbed wire and throw Ash the dufflebag. In a matter of seconds Ash had his boomstick in it's holster and his metal hand reattached to his arm. Torgo unslung the lawmower off his shoulder and dropped it down. Lionel walked over to it, clutching his necklace in his hand and picked it up. He primed it a couple times just 'cause and slung it onto his back.

When they were equipped and ready, Torgo lead them to the rest of the Tulum survivors.


End file.
